A question I find myself being asked continually. Although the normal answer is "fine or good, how are you?" The real answer is simply a silence too awkward to explain.
It's hard. That's really all. I don't have a bitterness or a hatred to talk through. I'm not angry with the Lord. And I feel like there are certain parts of what has happened certain questions...like the classic why? Or the questions people use to separate themselves from the Lord like why do bad things happen to good people. And although my heart aches and my tears flow every single day. There are certain things that I have chosen to put into the "It's not my business" category. It's none of my business why God chose to take my dad at this particular tragic instance. It's Gods business. Although this sounds harsh this mindset is helping me keep a sovereign God where He is supposed to be reigning and sovereign and it's keeping me in a place in my heart where I'm not second guessing a loving God. My God is good and He is faithful and most of all merciful and loving. He knows what He's doing and why and how it all works together for good. He is God. Don't get me wrong we've had our conversations regarding my loss and selfishness specifically. And all I can say about what I've heard from Him is that I can trust that He knows what He's doing even when I don't. I can walk safe in knowing that He is good and merciful and will even guide the blind and broken hearted.
How am I? I am not God. I am daily humbled. I am walking stone by stone across a foggy creekbed knowing that my God is gracious and will wipe my tears and will reveal each stone at the perfect moment. I will step in each time as its meant to be. In this season, God is very much doing a healing work in my heart and in my moms heart. We miss him every single day and probably always will.
You are loved and your prayers are coveted.
No comments:
Post a Comment